I passed my oral defense!

Better in retrospect than when it was happening, and I'm pretty sad that the recording I thought I'd made didn't get saved (nerves!), but I am very pleased with the outcome.

There is a lot more to say, but I'll say it later. I"m happier than I've been in a long time, and I feel completely liberated in a way I never anticipated. It's similar to the feeling of having the unacknowledged steel bands that were binding my brain, removed. (A very sweet professor told me that feeling lasts for about six days. I'm going to do the best to make the most of it.) I can see a difference in my thinking already - I've been theorizing about everything today! It's been kind of fun, but would be more fun if I knew I were going to be an academic, actually.

I also realized that I really do throw a lot of obstacles in my way. I think they're supposed to sabotage me, but I wind up succeeding almost in spite of myself. (or maybe it's just that I can't even do a good job at self-sabotage? I know - the day after my biggest professional triumph, and that's where I choose to go? Yeah. I went there.)

I got about 3 hours' sleep the night before, woke at 5am then tossed and turned for another hour & a half, didn't kick people out of my presentation room until about 15 minutes before the defense, had a major unanticipated technical difficulty (I had done a run through two nights before, but couldn't make powerpoint work the way it had previously) which resulted in me going to print out my notes slides about five minutes before the defense, so everybody was pretty much seated by the time I arrived back in the room.

I got questioned deeply for an hour. It is KILLING me that I don't have those questions (or my responses, frankly, because I don't really remember what I said) recorded so that I can explore them more later. They were little gifts, evidence that my committee members thought about how I could improve my intellectual work. They asked me to consider the ramifications as being more applicable to a broader range of audiences, and one mentioned that I had created a really important piece of knowledge that will probably be useful to later scholars who study online communities (!!!).

After some reflection, I realize that I consider a more lengthy questioning process in a defense to be a sign of respect. There weren't any really confrontational questions, no one was trying to shut me down or prop themselves up at my expense - rather, the time we spent in that part of the defense was evidence that my work engaged them enough to be curious about it and speculate about its (and my) future. Maybe all dissertation committees are like that. Maybe only mine was. I don't know, but I am tremendously grateful.

posted by: schoolsmelt at 22:23 | link | comments (3) |
dissertation, the good parts of life

Fox? Yoshick?

Damn, where'd you go? I will miss you (but would be happy to follow to wherever your new digs may be... in a non-creepy way, of course.) My email's at g0og1e, with this site's username before the at.

Be well.

posted by: schoolsmelt at 20:53 | link | comments (1) |

More updates

Tomorrow, I will be submitting my graduation paperwork! As we all know, this does not guarantee that I will graduate, but it is another step in the right direction.

I've begun work with another dissertator, who I've known for longer than I've been in the program. She is at another school, and it's been a joy to work with someone who has no connection to my department or topic at all - we can gossip about mutual friends but it's not emotionally charged in the same way as intradepartmental gossip is, which makes it a lot easier to disengage and get back to work. She's getting a counseling degree, which was helpful when I received a stressful phone call in the middle of our last work session.

I've been twittering a ton- it's helped me to reconnect to  blogging as fun and creative instead of a chronicle of the slog. The social aspect is more useful than I would've guessed. I wish more of my friends were twittering, though.

Housewyfe energy has returned full-force. Since the food poisoning, we've been avoiding restaurant food, so I've gotten on this bento kick for mr. s. which is a total gas. I also am aware of how suitable a vehicle for procrastination it is, and am remaining vigilant. I haven't started diagramming food layouts on my chapter drafts, though I probably spend more time at lunchinabox.com than is strictly necessary, and I've probably spent any money we've saved on new food storage miscellany.

Thanks to craigslist, I have a much lighter computer - it weighs about half what my previous computer weighs, which means no more back/neck problems. This does not prevent my lusting after an iPhone or other internet enabled portable device.

Dontbreakthechain.com has been surprisingly helpful. I have not broken the chain in five days.

posted by: schoolsmelt at 15:14 | link | comments |

Update

Well, the previous entry is really a show-stopper - there's not a lot you can say about your own life in the face of a child's terminal illness that won't sound whingy and narcissistic and lame. But this blog is primarily supposed to be about my experience as a doctoral student and I need to get back to it.

So, what's been up? More personal illness in the previous 6 weeks than in the previous year.  In early February, I got sick in three time zones and then needed a wheelchair and a few days of rest to get over it, then four weeks later mr. s. and I got to go to the hospital for 2 liters of IV fluids each. Dehydration is awful, but not in a very active way. Things just get slower and weaker and a kind of modified stupor sets in and you know things are probably pretty bad but you just can't be arsed to move, except when you have to, or when your skin feels like it's being pierced by tiny pins that you can't roll away from. And even if your mind is racing from the 103 fever, it's not the fun kind of fever where you think and say funny things in that stream of consciousness "wow dude that's trippy" way and you crack yourself up because everything is so silly and crazy-colorful-hallucinatory and you feel like you're about six years old. Nope, super-high fever means you just can't get any rest, you may be filled with dread and disquiet and agitation,  but you're also too weak to care, and too stupid to figure out what exactly the problem is or how exactly to fix it. Stupor - now I understand you on a soul-deep level. Ugh. It really, really sucked.

Between and after those two things, it has been kind of difficult to get on a regular work schedule, what with all the illness and other disruptions, but I am doing the "don't break the chain" calendar accountability jedi mind trick which is kind of helping.

The election is kind of driving me crazy - it's like a trainwreck that I can't look away from, and of course because my research topic concerns a political blog, it is also kind of harrowing as well. It also makes me wish I were doing a different dissertation, because I"m so disgusted with the way that blog has evolved. Not that the current situation couldn't have been extrapolated from my actual research - quite the contrary, in fact, which is what makes things worse. I'm also cringing a bit at some of my earlier statements about the transformative power of online community. Mob rule, more like. All I have to do is address my research questions from the proposal, rather than address the current state of affairs, thank God. This is likely the root of my current dispassion with my research, and I don't really feel like legitimizing the site owner with the fruits of my labor, but it's too late for that now.  I could have asked different research questions but I made a decision based on the situation on the ground in my department, and since I want to finish rather than tilt at windmills, I am satisficed.

The family situation that took me out of state for two months at the end of last year seems to have normalized somewhat - things were pretty harrowing there for a while, but fortunately have improved to a large degree. Everyone is planning on coming out to see me graduate this June (assuming my committee is on board).  This is not an outcome I would've anticipated at the beginning of December, and I am grateful.

I am so close - horror movie hallway that extends so that the distance of five steps telescopes to a distance of what appears to be 10 yards close - I can only hope that the time allotted to me telescopes in exactly the same way, while at the same time continuing to work as if it won't.

Damn, the paragraph about my diss reads like I still have a fever. Obviously, more vent-y (private) freewrites are in order.

posted by: schoolsmelt at 21:24 | link | comments (1) |

Perspective

I don't know Louis, but I know his Aunt Judy.  If you've got the means, please go help make his last months memorable.

posted by: schoolsmelt at 12:47 | link | comments (1) |